WITH A HEAVY HEART....

I must admit.....This post is being written with a rather heavy heart.........The wueation being posted before myself is "Where am I heading towards????".........Something somewhere has been repeatedly going wrong somewhere and I have not been able to decode the secret.........What am I doing?????? Are the hours of preparation put in, the rigours of the weekend classes, the studying in the office helping me at all???? As far as I can see, I can only see my scores, my percentiles dipping and my confidence levels falling inch by inch every week progressively........Am I going wrong somewhere strategically???? Am I not good enough????? Am I not of that level???? Am I actually not that intelligent that I previously thought myself to be???? Are all the dreams that I have shown my honey going to be crushed???? Will I not be able to redeem myself????? Will I not be able to achieve the benchmark I have set for myself???? What does the future hold for me????? After three repeated failures, can I expect some miracle in November 2008???? Where will I be around this time the next year???? What will happen if I can not stand up to the promises done to the people around me????
Lots of questions are bugging me right now and I seem to be lost in the search for the answers.........The future appears just so uncertain and dark.........People in college scoring lesser grades than me and even entering the college at lesser ranks have been scoring substantially higher.........have I become less intelligent of late????? Has my smoking got anything to do with it or my regular intake of Maggi?????? What is going wrong precisely?????? Why am i sitting in the office on a Sunday at around 8:30 PM typing this little pile of shit????? (Well I have the answer to the last question at least and that is my PM)...........Questions galore and me trying to find answers.........Life is not a bed of roses after all...........

ITS A NICE DAY.....

Since some days, I feel genuinely concerned about the climate.......and the spiraling oil prices for that matter........Its not that I have been doing something actively for that sake but I still feel for it.......What would be the general reaction of the public and governments worldwide if we got up one fine day in the morning and find all oil sources depleted??????? Scary huh.......But I find it hard to change myself..........I still keep my comp switched on when I leave my office shutting down just the monitor............the other day, I was actually appalled by the sheer number of polythene bags my mom maintained..........Sometimes I think where is all of these oil actually coming from?????? All these trucks, all vehicles and what not consume enormous amounts of oil.........Man is heading for a doom for sure but we are simply expediting the process.........Now I don't wanna sound like a cranky conservationalist but I don't think I can help it...........May be something is wrong with my outlook.........May be something is severely wrong in the very thought that I can not do anything about it............Why is it still the case that I would prefer a petrol driven car rather than a fuel cell driven car any given day????????? Why do I still dream of owning a car at all???????? Would our future generation still be able to enjoy winters curled up in their blankets with a mug of hot coffee??????? Damn it.......who cares.........I will drag on till 55 odd years more and till then every thing is just gonna be fine............How can I actually change this outlook of mine??????????? CLUELESS............just random conflicting thoughts.......... :-) :-)

DOWN BUT DEFINITELY NOT OUT....

5 AIMCATs over........12-14 odd to go.........Studies, hatred for the job in particular and IT in general continues.......Something went terribly wrong in the last AIMCAT........But I know that it happens sometimes that you get a low after two consecutive highs.........How does it feel to sometimes be back to "almost" square one........the key word being "almost"...........The last AIMCAT actually showed me what can go wrong in the C Day..........It showed me how the verbal section can actually make or break you on that day.........Verbal, my supposedly strong section, ditched me real big time............QA also has not also been up to that level which I had expected and DI as usual............Something or the other always goes terribly wrong in DI...........My speed sucks..........My logical abilities suck............I suck.................Bought the CAT form some days ago..........IIFT online form submission is done...........Will post both of them by the first week of August for sure.........I know I have it in me to get into a decently good B-School..........But IIMs???????? They still remain a big ?????????????????????????????????

WOULDN'T IT JUST BE GOOD....

Of late I have been wondering.........Wouldn't it just be good or rather I must say great that whatever people plan or work out for their future, the course of events proceed exactly like that???? Well wistful thinking I must say but that seldom happens for me......Used to happen though but something has somehow changed.......may be my stars are at play or some freaking explanation........But somehow whatever I have been planning of late has been going into dumps somehow.........Like each time I fall into a complacense, a sense of being settled, life more often than not throws up some sort of a surprise for me............Of late, I had been thinking that my life has been going great at Bangalore...........no work load, ample time and focus to study, mom here with me, dad visiting me here, my honey to support me here and the fact that I can spend some quality time here with her being in the same city but then all of a sudden, something shatters the peace and throws all my plans into dumps...........Like the maxim goes.......MAN PROPOSES, GOD DISPOSES.........but then wouldn't it just have been great if we could play GOD????? that might be quite a lot to ask I guess but then my demands are that each man could play GOD for himself........decide his own fate but could have no control on the fate of others........but then again each man's fate at least affects the fate the people around him and we come back to square one that again man can not decide his fate independent of others and thus the entire demand that he be allowed to control his own fate is unreasonable........I know I have been countering my own demand since some lines but thats the state of my mind right now.........CONFUSED........All this stems from something that happens some days ago..........My Project Manager came down to me the other day and asked me to apply for a B1 VISA..........basically a US trip for upto three months........Although I had categorically told him in a one-to-one discussion some days ago about my MBA plans and all and he had assured me that I wont be disturbed after October, he came back to me again and asked for my B1 VISA to be done............ Italked to him again and said that if I am unable to fill the forms up for exams (they come out from August for the uninitiated), how am I going to sit for the exams???? Then he assured me that it will only be for 2 months at a max and it won't be September at all..........So its July and August or never..........Now you may ask "What's wrong with a 2 month paid US vacation?????" My reply to that would be I stayed back from 2007 to 2008 just to sit for CAT with a thorough preparation.......attending weekend classes, appearing for AIMCATs, prepare seriously..........I wanted to do all that and had been doing all that till now but from now onwards I have to keep my fingers crossed............The biggest consolation is that GETTING A B1 VISA IN OUR PROJECT DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE ARE ACTUALLY TRAVELLING. THERE HAVE BEEN MANY TEAM MEMBERS WHOSE TRAVEL HAS GOT CANCELLED ALTHOUGH THEIR VISAS HAVE BEEN DONE. Another consolation is that my Project Manager has also assured me that he is trying to keep me here as much as possible just for the sake of the smooth commencement of my studies and all........This he said is just a measure to ensure that I am ready for travel and nothing else.........Hopefully I should be able to continue with my peaceful and planned life........but then I am at crossroads between a fully paid vacation and a gamble that I am going to play in November called CAT.......because there is never any guarentee that I can do well even after lots of preparations, Mock Tests, classes and all............What will happen then???? Because I have been neglecting my current job for something which is little more than an illusion..........Then I will lose out on both sides...........Again like the popular maxims go...........A BIRD IN HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH.............and our very own Hindi one...........DHOBI KA KUTTA NA GHAR KA NA GHAAT KA...............

P:S: This post is dedicated to Richa from PagalGuy who was the first person who commented on my blog and the second person to encourage me to write further (my honey is the first person in this regard :-) )

MY BEST FRIEND....

As life progresses, I have always felt that the definition of a best friend and the corresponding personification of that entity has kept on changing........Who exactly has been my best friend and what have they done to actually deserve that place in my life even if for a fleeting second really appear a mystery to me as I sat thinking or rather contemplating since I accidentally visited the orkut profile of one of my old school friends.......I remember there were two guys when I was merely in standard 3...........we were so good friends that I remember thinking that I must have been related to them in some way in the previous birth........one of them joined at NIT RKL as my junior, same branch and the other, after a gap of many years, met on Orkut and since then we have rarely talked...........I remember meeting friends on Orkut after at least a gap of 10+ years...........but forget about those people since they hardly ever qualified as my best friend........But then came the phase after 10th..........the +2 phase.........when most of my troubles arose due to my "so-called" friends or rather best friends..........Mama used to say friends come and go but by then I was pretty much sure that I had actually made some friends for life.........but then again, that was not supposed to be the case..........those friends came and went causing the maximum damage so far as totally shattering my faith on the institution called friendship.........then came NIT RKL where I again made a decent group of friends in the 1st year itself and again thought to myself that wow........this must be friendship...........these must be my best friends........only to be left behind with an irreversibly broken faith again..........I remember a time had come when I used to contemplate that although I have lots and lots of friends around me I never had a best friend till date............then came the phase of 3rd year and 4th year when new people stepped into my life again.............u know like God sends good people in the end to restore your belief in something that had been lost.............I still cherish those friends.............Although work has forced us to stay in different cities, still they were and are still friends............And just when I had been out of college and in a different city starting work, away from the friends who had restored my belief in friendship...............God finally sent someone to my life who actually showed me how beautiful life can be with someone...........my life was so hollow without her now that I come to think of it...........She thus was, is and always will be my best friend...........I really wish to forget all those people who had caused me terrible pains coming in the guise of my friends.........let me just have the people around me who could restore my faith in friendship...............my friends in the 3rd and final year of college...........friends forever................and my honey...............devoted my entire life to her................my truest and best friend till date................my life was indeed hollow without u.............

LIFE GOES ON!!!! HAPPIER AND MERRIER!!!!

How can someone just illuminate my life so much as to make me feel an entire city however crappy it may be, worth living........worth calling it a city of eternal joy..........stumps me..........Someone so lovely that I am ready to take all sorts of responsibilities for US...........anyways life has been going good as usual............regular studies, mom at home, honey in the same city and the ever burning desire to prove myself this year............It actually takes something very good to take the form of an obsession from being just an interest any more......I mean, there must something actually be so good in the exam that it completely overpowers you......Like a tempting seductress, it takes over your mind and soul by storm but the catch is that you actually enjoy the fact that something has overpowered you..........I mean instead of feeling like a slave to it, you actually donate your heart, soul and mind............just like a tempting seductress..........You know she is a vamp...........she is playing with your mind and soul..........she is definitely neither the end of the world nor a definite parameter of success...........she is just "ANOTHER EXAM"............but still you actually enjoy her company............unlike the IIT JEE or AIEEE exams when you feel compelled to study, this exam is something different............The entrance exams in the +2 days can be compared to a woman, say your wife (honey I know you will definitely read this.......dont worry I love you very much.......U are my life......This is just an example that definitely concerns other people :-)............Please dont get mad at me...........), who demands to be loved although you may not love her that much...........but the CAT/XAT/FMS/JMET or any other MBA exam for that matter is just like a sexy girl you saw in the subway who just captivated you right from the word GO and you start loving her insanely knowing you may never even see her again forget about even getting her..........She just seduces you without any overt actions or show of sexiness, if I may use the word for lack of any better words to use............She doesnt compel you to love her but you shower her with love nevertheless..........With a look of "Come and get me darling" in her eyes, she just vanishes down the turn leaving you gaping for words........You run, do all that you can do just to have a glimpse of her again and when you actually manage to have a glipmse of her again, you try all you can to woo her but then with a mischievious smile, she again disapperars round the corner flicking her hair out from near her eyes and you are left wondering where was the point that you went wrong........nevertheless with renewed vigour and strength and interest you chase her again wondering when you can be good enough for her..............and the point is no one actually compels you to chase her but you just do that for reason either very varied or for reasons even you yourself are not sure of...........she is just so damn hot and sexy.........seducive, playing hard to get but not overtly so........That come and get me look in her eyes I talked about just drives you crazy........She feels so near yet so far...........so elusive.........One moment you swell in confidence that she can actually be yours but the next moment she does something so mysterious that you feel weak in the knees.........may be also just like your lady-love whom you love unconditionally, giving your heart and soul and want to see her always, any time of the day, do anything to please her and everything else.........Welcome to the world of MBA ASPIRANTS in India.

LOTS OF TIME....

Thank you IBM....Thank you VISA....Thank you for both for all the free, productive and utterly essential time you guys are providing me each day helping me to inch towards my dreams....Someday, I will definitely look back to these days and say that these days helped me a lot....Someday the time will come when I can bid IBM and VISA a lovely goodbye nd say "Kiss my a** suckers!!!!"....I still feel the jitters though....An exam is always an exam after all with the usual share of luck factor determining your success...What if something goes wrong....what if I cant even sit for the exam...what if there is an accident or sickness.....WHAT IF....I know I sound like a pessimistic ass but then the fears still linger refusing to recede even by the surge of confidence....But somewhere deep down within me I feel I CAN....and I WILL.....rather I MUST....