YOUR LOVE IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING....

When in sorrow and happiness I think of you,
My heart leaps with joy.
When in failures and success I think of you,
My heart leaps with joy.

Your love is the power that keeps me going honey,
Your love is the strength I was looking for.
So pure, so true,
So divine.

May be we were made for each other,
May be you were the light of my life I was looking for,
May be you were the person God wanted me to meet,
May be that was the reason he kept happiness away from me all these days.

I am happy, very very happy,
The reason of that is YOU honey,
The reason is your love.

Some songs, they remind me of you,
I listen to them over and over again,
I like to revel in your love honey,
I like to just lose myself in it.

Your love is the panacea my heart was looking for all these years.
Your love is what keeps me going strong.
Knowing that there is a US rather than a ME,
This is what keeps me going strong.
You make my day honey,
I LOVE YOU……..

THE AFTERSHOCKS OF CAT....

Today is 5th December 2008. That’s right……..CAT is over………and so are the exams for IRMA and IIFT…….Wanted to write about the experiences since long but never actually had either the time or the privacy to reflect upon my thoughts……..A lot has happened since November 14th 2008. For starters, my release date from the project has been announced….19th December being my last day at VISA supposedly….I add the word supposedly to stress upon the fact that if God actually permits, my tenure at VISA can actually prolong to some more months so that VISA can actually remain my first and last project at IBM….Frankly speaking, looking for another project at this juncture can really be overwhelmingly frustrating……..Attending shitty interviews, the same old play of forwarding CVs can actually take my mind away from the exams and GD/PIs for which I have to prepare hard…….And yeah well, coming to CAT……..Scoring neither too good nor too bad…………The case is if my scores would have been too good, I would have been very very confident and could have spent my time peacefully preparing for the battle ahead………………..and if my scores would have been too bad, I would have entirely let go of all the hopes relating to CAT………..but as it turns out, my scores remain stuck at the border line…………..pinning my hopes desperately on a bull shitty DI question (I desperately need to get that correct to at least a 90+ sectional in DI) and a couple of VA questions being correct to actually get a respectable score…………Anyways only 9th January can tell……..IIFT actually went a lot better than I expected……..According to TIME, I am getting a score of 26.775 (TIME predicts a cut-off of 24-26……..Other institutes predict 28-29-30)………..That is again a tough call…………..definitely not a sure shot one…………Don’t really know what the future will bring……..Just hope it’s not too dark…………..

THE LAST LAP....

Today is 16th October 2008.........After finishing a paper cup full of Lemon Tea dispensed from the ubiquitous coffee vending machine in the office premises, I sit down with thoughts about the future...........1 more month to go to arguably the most important exam of my life............What makes it even more important is the fact that this will the last to straighten things up..........The last chance to redeem myself.........May be the most important one month to the most important exam............the last lap where runners are expected to sprint ahead.........I wonder what will be going on in my mind exactly one month from now at exactly this time that is 12:15 PM.............Perhaps a QA question which I might have mistaken for a sitter but it actually turned out to be a demon in disguise..............or perhaps a difficult DI caselet which I desperately need to crack in order to clear the cut offs.............or may be a RC Passage with dealing in ethics, morality, spirituality or some other bull shit for that matter with a lot of ambiguous questions..............I just wonder............Time has flown fast.............From months to days and gradually it will also flow in to the tune of hours................

One interesting thought though.............IF FUEL IS SO SCARCE AND COSTLY AND NEEDS TO BE PRESERVED, WHY DON'T THEY BAN MOTORSPORT???? Given the amount of fuel those things burn up and given their numerous practice laps and races, it could well save up a lot of fuel considering their measly milage.............Think about it........

WITH A HEAVY HEART....

I must admit.....This post is being written with a rather heavy heart.........The wueation being posted before myself is "Where am I heading towards????".........Something somewhere has been repeatedly going wrong somewhere and I have not been able to decode the secret.........What am I doing?????? Are the hours of preparation put in, the rigours of the weekend classes, the studying in the office helping me at all???? As far as I can see, I can only see my scores, my percentiles dipping and my confidence levels falling inch by inch every week progressively........Am I going wrong somewhere strategically???? Am I not good enough????? Am I not of that level???? Am I actually not that intelligent that I previously thought myself to be???? Are all the dreams that I have shown my honey going to be crushed???? Will I not be able to redeem myself????? Will I not be able to achieve the benchmark I have set for myself???? What does the future hold for me????? After three repeated failures, can I expect some miracle in November 2008???? Where will I be around this time the next year???? What will happen if I can not stand up to the promises done to the people around me????
Lots of questions are bugging me right now and I seem to be lost in the search for the answers.........The future appears just so uncertain and dark.........People in college scoring lesser grades than me and even entering the college at lesser ranks have been scoring substantially higher.........have I become less intelligent of late????? Has my smoking got anything to do with it or my regular intake of Maggi?????? What is going wrong precisely?????? Why am i sitting in the office on a Sunday at around 8:30 PM typing this little pile of shit????? (Well I have the answer to the last question at least and that is my PM)...........Questions galore and me trying to find answers.........Life is not a bed of roses after all...........

ITS A NICE DAY.....

Since some days, I feel genuinely concerned about the climate.......and the spiraling oil prices for that matter........Its not that I have been doing something actively for that sake but I still feel for it.......What would be the general reaction of the public and governments worldwide if we got up one fine day in the morning and find all oil sources depleted??????? Scary huh.......But I find it hard to change myself..........I still keep my comp switched on when I leave my office shutting down just the monitor............the other day, I was actually appalled by the sheer number of polythene bags my mom maintained..........Sometimes I think where is all of these oil actually coming from?????? All these trucks, all vehicles and what not consume enormous amounts of oil.........Man is heading for a doom for sure but we are simply expediting the process.........Now I don't wanna sound like a cranky conservationalist but I don't think I can help it...........May be something is wrong with my outlook.........May be something is severely wrong in the very thought that I can not do anything about it............Why is it still the case that I would prefer a petrol driven car rather than a fuel cell driven car any given day????????? Why do I still dream of owning a car at all???????? Would our future generation still be able to enjoy winters curled up in their blankets with a mug of hot coffee??????? Damn it.......who cares.........I will drag on till 55 odd years more and till then every thing is just gonna be fine............How can I actually change this outlook of mine??????????? CLUELESS............just random conflicting thoughts.......... :-) :-)

DOWN BUT DEFINITELY NOT OUT....

5 AIMCATs over........12-14 odd to go.........Studies, hatred for the job in particular and IT in general continues.......Something went terribly wrong in the last AIMCAT........But I know that it happens sometimes that you get a low after two consecutive highs.........How does it feel to sometimes be back to "almost" square one........the key word being "almost"...........The last AIMCAT actually showed me what can go wrong in the C Day..........It showed me how the verbal section can actually make or break you on that day.........Verbal, my supposedly strong section, ditched me real big time............QA also has not also been up to that level which I had expected and DI as usual............Something or the other always goes terribly wrong in DI...........My speed sucks..........My logical abilities suck............I suck.................Bought the CAT form some days ago..........IIFT online form submission is done...........Will post both of them by the first week of August for sure.........I know I have it in me to get into a decently good B-School..........But IIMs???????? They still remain a big ?????????????????????????????????

WOULDN'T IT JUST BE GOOD....

Of late I have been wondering.........Wouldn't it just be good or rather I must say great that whatever people plan or work out for their future, the course of events proceed exactly like that???? Well wistful thinking I must say but that seldom happens for me......Used to happen though but something has somehow changed.......may be my stars are at play or some freaking explanation........But somehow whatever I have been planning of late has been going into dumps somehow.........Like each time I fall into a complacense, a sense of being settled, life more often than not throws up some sort of a surprise for me............Of late, I had been thinking that my life has been going great at Bangalore...........no work load, ample time and focus to study, mom here with me, dad visiting me here, my honey to support me here and the fact that I can spend some quality time here with her being in the same city but then all of a sudden, something shatters the peace and throws all my plans into dumps...........Like the maxim goes.......MAN PROPOSES, GOD DISPOSES.........but then wouldn't it just have been great if we could play GOD????? that might be quite a lot to ask I guess but then my demands are that each man could play GOD for himself........decide his own fate but could have no control on the fate of others........but then again each man's fate at least affects the fate the people around him and we come back to square one that again man can not decide his fate independent of others and thus the entire demand that he be allowed to control his own fate is unreasonable........I know I have been countering my own demand since some lines but thats the state of my mind right now.........CONFUSED........All this stems from something that happens some days ago..........My Project Manager came down to me the other day and asked me to apply for a B1 VISA..........basically a US trip for upto three months........Although I had categorically told him in a one-to-one discussion some days ago about my MBA plans and all and he had assured me that I wont be disturbed after October, he came back to me again and asked for my B1 VISA to be done............ Italked to him again and said that if I am unable to fill the forms up for exams (they come out from August for the uninitiated), how am I going to sit for the exams???? Then he assured me that it will only be for 2 months at a max and it won't be September at all..........So its July and August or never..........Now you may ask "What's wrong with a 2 month paid US vacation?????" My reply to that would be I stayed back from 2007 to 2008 just to sit for CAT with a thorough preparation.......attending weekend classes, appearing for AIMCATs, prepare seriously..........I wanted to do all that and had been doing all that till now but from now onwards I have to keep my fingers crossed............The biggest consolation is that GETTING A B1 VISA IN OUR PROJECT DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE ARE ACTUALLY TRAVELLING. THERE HAVE BEEN MANY TEAM MEMBERS WHOSE TRAVEL HAS GOT CANCELLED ALTHOUGH THEIR VISAS HAVE BEEN DONE. Another consolation is that my Project Manager has also assured me that he is trying to keep me here as much as possible just for the sake of the smooth commencement of my studies and all........This he said is just a measure to ensure that I am ready for travel and nothing else.........Hopefully I should be able to continue with my peaceful and planned life........but then I am at crossroads between a fully paid vacation and a gamble that I am going to play in November called CAT.......because there is never any guarentee that I can do well even after lots of preparations, Mock Tests, classes and all............What will happen then???? Because I have been neglecting my current job for something which is little more than an illusion..........Then I will lose out on both sides...........Again like the popular maxims go...........A BIRD IN HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH.............and our very own Hindi one...........DHOBI KA KUTTA NA GHAR KA NA GHAAT KA...............

P:S: This post is dedicated to Richa from PagalGuy who was the first person who commented on my blog and the second person to encourage me to write further (my honey is the first person in this regard :-) )